


Golden Deer but it's a modern college AU group chat

by LancePuns



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Comedy, Gen, Group chat, Memes, Texting, not really I'm not funny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2020-08-23 06:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20238595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LancePuns/pseuds/LancePuns
Summary: beauty queen: omg Lorenz tell me this isn’t ur first group chatLorenz Hellman Gloucester: Of course not.beauty queen: thank godLorenz Hellman Gloucester: My family uses one routinely to communicate efficientlybeauty queen: i take it back





	1. Nicknames

**Author's Note:**

> Multi-chapter, dunno how long it'll go, updates whenever I have time/inspiration to write another chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooooooooo yeah I wrote this on a whim today and already have an idea of what the next chapter will entail. will probably be adding Flayn/Cyril eventually? dunno maybe if I feel like it.
> 
> Should note this is a modern college au so they're all in college (different ages still) and all kinda normal people, their backstories are changed to fit a real life setting (Marianne just feels like a burden, Lysithea's lifespan is shortened not because of experiments but because of something else I might talk about later???). They will kinda talk about their majors every so often but if you want I can tell you what major everyone is if I already have an idea (I've got like half of them down already so that's cool I guess)
> 
> I'll try to stay as in character as I can but no promises because I just don't know with some of them *cough* Hilda *cough*

** _Claude von Riegan added 7 people, including Hilda Valentine Goneril, Leonie Pinelli, and 5 others to the group chat._ **

** _Claude von Riegan changed their name to Lord Prankster_ **

Lord Prankster: sup dumbasses

Lorenz Hellman Gloucester: Claude, what is the meaning of this?

** _Hilda Valentine Goneril changed their name to beauty queen_ **

** _Ignatz Victor changed their name to modern nolde_ **

beauty queen: we cant be the only 1s online rn can we

modern nolde: hilda raph and leonie are working out rn

modern nolde: the real question is where’s lysithea and mary

Lord Prankster: don’t worry bout them I saw lysithea studying at the library

modern nolde: and mary?

Lord Prankster: probably being badgered by professor hanneman again

beauty queen: what does he even want from her???? it’s kinda creepy tbh

Lorenz Hellman Gloucester: I heard he asks her questions about something she doesn’t like talking about. It is a shame that he can’t seem to understand that she wishes not to discuss it

Lorenz Hellman Gloucester: Onto a different topic, why are all of you using such strange names? Would it not be easier to identify one another should we keep our normal names?

beauty queen: omg Lorenz tell me this isn’t ur 1st group chat

Lorenz Hellman Gloucester: Of course not.

beauty queen: thank god

Lorenz Hellman Gloucester: My family uses one routinely to communicate efficiently

beauty queen: i take it back

Lord Prankster: hold on I got it

** _Lord Prankster changed Lorenz Hellman Gloucester’s name to Pretentious Plum_ **

Lord Prankster: viola, my masterpiece

beauty queen: LMAO HOLY SHIT

modern nolde: Claude this is why your class prez

Pretentious Plum: Claude, where are you at the moment?

Lord Prankster: somewhere you won’t be able to hurt me :)

Marianne von Edmund: um...hello?

modern nolde: oh Mary there you are!

beauty queen: hey bby Hanneman give up for the day?

Marianne von Edmund: apologies if this comes off as rude but...who are you?

modern nolde: oh mary, sorry, it’s Ignatz

beauty queen: hilda, gurl!

Marianne von Edmund: oh, so this is…

modern nolde: yeah its a group chat for our friend group

modern nolde: feel free to change your name too

Marianne von Edmund: I see...okay

** _Marianne von Edmund changed their name to Mary_ **

Mary: how’s this…?

beauty queen: we’ll work on it

Leonie Pinelli: am I right to assume the reason that Raph and I saw Claude running from Lorenz by the dorms is because of this group chat?

modern nolde: scroll up

Leonie Pinelli: well that makes sense

Leonie Pinelli: anyway me and Raphael are at lunch

** _Raphael Kirsten changed their name to M E A T only_ **

Leonie Pinelli: Raphael I swear to god

Leonie Pinelli: alright we’ll talk to you later

Lysithea von Ordelia: my phone kept buzzing who’s the dunce that thought this was a good idea while I was studying

modern nolde: you’ll have to wait your turn to punch Claude he’s currently running from the pretentious plum

Lysithea von Ordelia: the...what?????

Mary: don’t worry about it, Lysithea…

Lysithea von Ordelia: well, I suppose I should take a break

Lysithea von Ordelia: now, what should my name be…

** _Lord Prankster changed Lysithea von Ordelia’s name to Babu_ **

beauty queen: CLAUDE IS A GOD

modern nolde: CLAUDE DID YOU JUST

Babu: BITCH I’M KILLING YOU

Pretentious Plum: Get in line, Lysithea.

M E A T only: yo, what’s up! 

M E A T only: woah sis why do you wanna kill claude?

Babu: LOOK AT MY NICKNAME

M E A T only: I mean, you are the youngest one here

Babu: YOU’RE SIDING WITH HIM?!

M E A T only: you know you can change your own name, right?

Babu: ............

Leonie Pinelli: I don’t think she did, Raph

M E A T only: well, now she does. problem solved!

** _Babu changed their name to Lysithea_ **

M E A T only: oh come on sis you gotta do something better than that

Lysithea: Make me.

modern nolde: Raphael my friend

modern nolde: I don’t think you should argue on this one

modern nolde: that message feels like a threat and I’m not even the one it’s directed towards

M E A T only: whaddya mean? she could never kill me

modern nolde: I’m not so sure about that. have you seen her angry?

modern nolde: hello? Raphael?

beauty queen: its been 13 mins where is he

modern nolde: wait did Lysithea actually kill him

** _Leonie Pinelli changed their name to student athlete_ **

student athlete: so I hate to be the bearer of bad news but uh

student athlete: raph just kinda passed out? I’ve been getting him over to the school hospital

Mary: I’m sorry I ruined your day…

student athlete: Mary I promise you had nothing to do with it. Raph had been complaining about “feeling funny” before lunch.

Mary: still, I feel as though my constant bad luck had some part in it...

beauty queen: leonie heads up natz just ran past my dorm and is headed ur way 

beauty queen: probably read what was here and sprinted right away

student athlete: I mean they’re roommates that makes sense

beauty queen: but srsly is he ok?

student athlete: probably, doctor said nothing seemed out of the ordinary

student athlete: maybe it was something he ate?

Lord Prankster: alright Lorenz finally caught up to me and gave me one of his long ass speeches

beauty queen: that means its Lysithea’s turn to try to beat you up

Lord Prankster: actually she ran past me and was headed towards the school hospital

Lord Prankster: something about Raphael fainting?

Mary: yes, that was my fault…

student athlete: Marianne for the last time I promise you aren’t to blame

Lord Prankster: jeez, with how much she blames herself you’d think Marianne recolored her hair to intentionally make herself look sadder

beauty queen: or 2 fit our rainbow aesthetic

Lord Prankster: our what?

beauty queen: white, pink, orange, yellow, gold, green, blue, and purple

beauty queen: we're a rainbow

Lord Prankster: huh

Lord Prankster: I never noticed that

Lord Prankster: in that case I’ve got nicknames for the both of them. Marianne, do you mind?

Mary: no, not at all. I wouldn’t want to trouble you…

Lord Prankster: I’d be the one troubling you in this case but I’ll take that as a go-ahead

** _Lord Prankster changed Mary’s name to Sweet Blues_ **

** _Lord Prankster changed Lysithea’s name to White Lavender_ **

White Lavender: Who said you could change my name?!

beauty queen: shouldn’t you be watching over your brother?

White Lavender: just because he calls me his little sister doesn’t mean I have to call him my brother

White Lavender: we’re not even related, its such nonsense!

Sweet Blues: I like my nickname…thank you, Claude.

Lord Prankster: no problem, Marianne!

White Lavender: Hey! Don’t ignore me like I’m some kid!

Lord Prankster: u’re the one who said it not me

White Lavender: I’m about 2 seconds away from trying to kill you again

Lord Prankster: hey Lysithea guess what

Lord Prankster: babu

White Lavender: WHERE ARE YOU DUNCE

beauty queen: f

student athlete: f

modern nolde: f

Sweet Blues: f

Pretentious Plum: For what reason are you typing the letter f?

modern nolde: its a thing people do online to show respect in light of a tragedy if they have nothing else to say

Pretentious Plum: Ah, I see.

Pretentious Plum:  f


	2. The Great Burger War of 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> student athlete: oh god we’re starting a war aren’t we
> 
> modern nolde: the great burger war of 2019
> 
> M E A T only: I REFUSE TO LOSE THIS WAR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit I didn't expect this much support so quickly! Thank you so much for all the kudos and kind comments you all left on the last chapter! I hope you all enjoy whatever else I'm able to whip up for this chat fic.
> 
> Anyway, as I said, I had an idea of what to do in this chapter, so this one was really quick. I have only the smallest of ideas for the next chapter so that one won't be coming for a while.

M E A T only: alright I’m finally back at my dorm

M E A T only: thanks Leonie for helping me!

modern nolde: yeah seriously I wouldn’t want Raph hurt

student athlete: well I wasn’t going to leave him on the ground like that

student athlete: now can you please tell us what happened

beauty queen: ooo we finally getting the tea?

Pretentious Plum: I was unaware any of you were interested in tea parties, though I am pleased to know that if it were any of you, it was Hilda.

Lord Prankster: wrong kind of tea, you plum

Lord Prankster: anyway I’m supposed to head off with Edel and Dimitri so I’ll see y’all later

Sweet Blues: goodbye, Claude

beauty queen: see ya later!

White Lavender: well, you big buffoon, what happened?

M E A T only: well, I don’t really know what it could’ve been

M E A T only: I ate my normal meal in the morning, and then went to start working out with Leonie

M E A T only: after that I had my typical lunch

M E A T only: we were on our way back to the dorms when I felt my legs give out

M E A T only: next I woke up in bed

Sweet Blues: Raphael, I don’t mean to be rude, but...didn’t you eat on the floor for breakfast?

M E A T only: huh? yeah, why?

beauty queen: raph please tell me you didn’t

modern nolde: Raphael why were you eating on the floor????

M E A T only: I dropped some of my eggs and still had to eat it

beauty queen: you didn't eat it off the floor did you

M E A T only: huh? Is there something wrong with that?

student athlete: RAPH

White Lavender: WHAT KIND OF DUNCE DOES THAT?!

M E A T only: what, they clean the floors every day!

Pretentious Plum: Are you an imbecile?

modern nolde: raphael you do know that their shoes are also on the ground right?

M E A T only: psh, five second rule exists for a reason

White Lavender: the five second rule is a myth you dunce!

M E A T only: but it was perfectly good eggs! I couldn’t let that go to waste!

student athlete: usually this is when I agree with you but you really need to be more careful raph

student athlete: I mean I love saving money as much as the next person but

student athlete: you can’t just eat off of the floor like that

beauty queen: I’m just wondering why natz has stayed quiet

M E A T only: oh he’s laughing hysterically rn

modern nolde: ALL the worry was caused because he ATE OFF THE FLOOR

modern nolde: sorry I just can’t believe we all thought something was wrong with him

Pretentious Plum: Do you mean to imply that him being okay with eating off the floor is not something wrong?

beauty queen: shut up plum we luv him the way he is

M E A T only: thanks Hilda! :D

White Lavender: begrudgingly yes

M E A T only: little sis D:

modern nolde: top 10 anime betrayals

student athlete: well now that we know the deal with that who wants to play a game

White Lavender: does it have anything to do with sports

student athlete: no I just heard rumors about what Claude, Edelgard, and Dimitri are doing

beauty queen: oh more tea? spill

Pretentious Plum: Why would you ever want to spill tea? It is a delicious beverage that must be savoured.

Sweet Blues: I think they’re talking about another definition of tea, Lorenz.

student athlete: I’m not gonna get into details you guys guess what it is

beauty queen: uhhhhhh

beauty queen: they’re meeting with the principal

modern nolde: what if they’re touring another college to see what improvements could be implemented?

M E A T only: obviously they’re going to Five Guys for some burgers

beauty queen: nah they’d b going to In-N-Out Burger for that

M E A T only: I like a lot of food, but if I was told to go to one of those, I’d go to Five Guys

M E A T only: In-N-Out isn’t even that good

beauty queen: u take that back, plebeian

M E A T only: Natz what does that mean?

modern nolde: she’s calling you something mean

modern nolde: anyway both of you are wrong Wendy’s is better

modern nolde: their twitter account is hilarious and they’ve got good food

Pretentious Plum: You are all foolish. The best burger place is Fuddruckers.

beauty queen: u eat burgers??????

Pretentious Plum: Not often, but yes. And I know Fuddruckers is superior.

M E A T only: Marianne, what place do you prefer?

Sweet Blues: oh, umm...I’m vegetarian…

beauty queen: rip

beauty queen: ly how about u?

White Lavender: it’s pointless to argue something that is almost completely subjective such as the “best” burger place.

White Lavender: that said, I prefer Sonic’s

M E A T only: I can’t believe you’d betray me like this sis!

White Lavender: I was never aligned with you in the first place!

student athlete: guys can we please get back to the game we were playing

modern nolde: oh yeah we got really sidetracked huh

student athlete: (Lorenz is right about Fudds btw)

M E A T only: LEONIE I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’D SAY THAT

student athlete: I’m just stating the facts

Sweet Blues: if I may...I believe that they might be going on a nature walk.

Sweet Blues: I often do it as a form of relaxation.

Pretentious Plum: You may have a point, but I would not believe that would prevent Claude from going on his phone. The same with the food idea. That is not to mention that Edelgard despises fast food places.

beauty queen: well then, genius, what are they doing

Pretentious Plum: I believe they are meeting Vice Principal Seteth to talk about the upcoming year’s teaching situation. We had just had Professor Robin retire a couple months ago. Would it not make sense?

beauty queen: lorenz ur thinking to hard

student athlete: actually, I heard they were meeting the new professor

Pretentious Plum: Perhaps if you all thought about the big picture, you would have figured that out.

beauty queen: this is the exact reason we call you pretentious

White Lavender: because he has braincells?

beauty queen: BITCH

modern nolde: LYSITHEA THAT WAS SO GOOD

student athlete: and just as Raph leaves the hospital, Hilda is admitted in

M E A T only: sis that was really mean

White Lavender: perhaps but she doesn’t need to be so rude to Lorenz all the time

beauty queen: oh pls he knows we’re messing with him

modern nolde: literally our group dynamic revolves around messing with one another

Sweet Blues: I’m not sure that should be the case, though…

beauty queen: wait do you feel hurt that we do that mary?

Sweet Blues: we’re all friends, yet we treat each other as though we’re enemies.

Sweet Blues: should we not be kind to one another to ensure that we are in a safe environment?

modern nolde: Mary’s got a point, but at the same time, I think we all know that if something serious happens, we’re all there for one another

modern nolde: take yesterday for example

modern nolde: when Raph fainted, we kinda all made sure he was okay in our own way. Leonie carried him to the hospital, Claude checked in with him once he was aware, me and Lysithea ran over to the hospital to check on his condition, and Lorenz scolded him for the action that caused it

modern nolde: you yourself came by our dorm to ask if he needed anything earlier

student athlete: ngl that made me tear up that was beautiful

beauty queen: natz summarized it rly well

White Lavender: don’t lump me in there!

M E A T only: c’mon sis you care about us, otherwise you’da left a long time ago

White Lavender: ...fine, yeah, I care

Pretentious Plum: As the one that is picked on, I do tend to bring it upon myself, and I don’t mind it. I have developed quite thick skin due to being the heir to a wealthy corporation.

Sweet Blues: I see...that makes me happy.

beauty queen: happy mary = happy family

Lord Prankster: I had to turn my phone off you guys talked so much

White Lavender: oh great, Claude is back

Lord Prankster: don’t sound too excited

Lord Prankster: anyway yeah they’re hiring two new teachers, siblings who are the kids of a famous professor here from like 20 years ago or something

Lord Prankster: Lorenz was right on the money

Pretentious Plum: Seems my intellect was well used.

Lord Prankster: also Arby’s is the best burger place @ me next time

M E A T only: CLAUDE NOOOOOO

student athlete: oh god we’re starting a war aren’t we

modern nolde: the great burger war of 2019

M E A T only: I REFUSE TO LOSE THIS WAR

beauty queen: day 69; Fuddruckers has wiped out every other burger place in the war. Only In-N-Out and Arby’s remain.

Lord Prankster: nice

modern nolde: nice

White Lavender: you are all such children

student athlete: day 420; Fuddruckers has fallen after wiping out all other burger places. All that remains are the vegetarians. I hope to one day rebuild burgerkind.

Lord Prankster: you could say that they went out in a blaze of glory

White Lavender: I hate you

Lord Prankster: you hate my puns, you don’t hate me

White Lavender: you test that on a daily basis

Sweet Blues: wait...I won?

modern nolde: to be fair I think Mary deserves to win

beauty queen: anything for my bby

Pretentious Plum: I concur.

Lord Prankster: agreed

M E A T only: yeah I can get behind that

Sweet Blues: oh...thank you, everyone?

student athlete: no prob, Mary <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Team Fuddruckers btw
> 
> shout outs to my friends in college who gave me a bunch of burger places to use, you the real MVPs


	3. A New Disease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M E A T only: it’d be pretty funny if they joined this chat
> 
> student athlete: Raph you do that and I will come to your room and steal the beef jerk you hide in Natz’s desk
> 
> modern nolde: the what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a massive pause writing this because I couldn't think of how to continue it halfway through but I eventually figured it out.
> 
> Also WOW a lot of people are loving this! Thank you so much for the support, I'm glad y'all think the characters have stayed in character for the most part!
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Lord Prankster: okay is the plum here?

student athlete: no I think he’s having tea with that new professors you mentioned

student athlete: by the way, is it just me, or are they super young to be professors?

modern nolde: Leonie aren’t they the kids of coach Jeralt?

beauty queen: yeah u’re competitive spirit is showing

student athlete: shut it

M E A T only: it’d be pretty funny if they joined this chat

student athlete: Raph you do that and I will come to your room and steal the beef jerk you hide in Natz’s desk

modern nolde: the what

beauty queen: busted

M E A T only: LEONIE HOW’D YOU KNOW THAT

modern nolde: never mind how she knew that

modern nolde: is that why my desk has smelled like a mix of paint and beef since school started?

M E A T only: I’LL MOVE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE I PROMISE

modern nolde: ...wait is that why my paint spilled?!

student athlete: I’ll come clean about that one - I did that

student athlete: didn’t you get the money to restock that paint? I thought I left it on your dresser

modern nolde: huh? what money?

student athlete: ...Raph please tell me you didn’t take money from his dresser

M E A T only: I never saw any money on his dresser, only on mine

student athlete: wait, that was your dresser? well damn, sorry about that, Natz

student athlete: Raph, can you give him that money?

M E A T only: yeah no problem! 

modern nolde: god that was a mess

Sweet Blues: moving on to a different subject...Ignatz, when is the first art show this year?

modern nolde: oh, right, you had mentioned you wanted to come to that

modern nolde: at the moment, my professor is trying to schedule it in 6 weeks

Sweet Blues: I see...I look forward to whatever you end up painting.

M E A T only: actually, he started it the other day! 

Lord Prankster: oh yeah? what’s it gonna be like?

modern nolde: well, that’s for you to come find out at the art show

Lord Prankster: disappointed but completely fair

White Lavender: since we’ve exhausted that talking point, I would like to interrogate Claude about what he wanted with Lorenz

Lord Prankster: afternoon to you too, Ly

White Lavender: what are you scheming at Lorenz’s expense this time?

Lord Prankster: nothing serious, just a little thing I bet he’s never heard of

Lord Prankster: anyway, since you’re here, Lysithea, I was wondering if you’ve read anything on this interesting disease I recently heard

Lord Prankster: with how many medical books you’ve gone through, I would think you would

White Lavender: I could tell you almost anything on most of the uncommon diseases and I read all of Professor von Essar reports on today’s diseases

beauty queen: why don’t you ever just call him Hanneman like everyone else does

White Lavender: I look up to his medical career, thank you very much. it would be disrespectful of me to call him by his first name

Lord Prankster: anyway, seriously, the name of it is ligma

White Lavender: how curious...I’ve never heard of it. can you please send me a link of where you heard of it? I must know what this is!

Lord Prankster: www.ligmaballs.com/gottem 

modern nolde: I can’t believe that worked

M E A T only: balls? like meatballs? are they serving them in the cafeteria?

student athlete: no Raph today is pasta day

student athlete: was that door slam...from your room, Ignatz?

modern nolde: Raphael is sprinting

White Lavender: …

White Lavender: I’ll be right back

Lord Prankster: well folks, it was nice knowing you

beauty queen: I can’t believe claude is fucking dead

Sweet Blues: if I may change the subject...Professor Jeralt is coming in as an advisor, correct?

Lord Prankster: according to the word on the street, no

Lord Prankster: Principal said Jeralt would be operating directly under her as athletic director while his kids teach classes together

beauty queen: wait so there's a chance that we might have the new professors in one of our classes?

modern nolde: sounds like it

White Lavender: i, for one, am looking forward to meeting these teachers

student athlete: they’re, what, 25? not much older than us

Lord Prankster: you say that like we’re not all different ages

Sweet Blues: the age order goes Leonie, Lorenz, new year with Hilda, Raphael, Claude, and myself, which is then separated by another year gap with Ignatz, which then leaves Lysithea two years behind him.

Lord Prankster: now that I think about it, how are you living with raphael while in different years, natz?

modern nolde: I was brought in on an art scholarship and they let me have priority for my living space because of that

modern nolde: school seems to think I’m really good at art and don’t wanna lose me

student athlete: tbf you are like the best artist here

beauty queen: yeah ur better than most of the teachers according to the principal

modern nolde: that’s an overstatement, I’m still not that good

White Lavender: Ignatz, if your definition of “good” is better than you currently are, then you have higher expectations than I set for myself

White Lavender: and everyone knows I have extremely high expectations of myself.

Lord Prankster: super high praise from ly

Lord Prankster: I’d take it and run, natz

White Lavender: shut up Claude

M E A T only: I didn’t see any meatballs in the cafeteria but I did see hamburgers, snagged a couple of those

beauty queen: u would wouldn’t u

M E A T only: also c’mon natz, you’re great! I see your work all the time, and I’m no expert, but I never get tired of checking it out!

Sweet Blues: there is a reason I asked about the art show...I really enjoy looking at your work.

modern nolde: gee, thanks guys. I guess I am a bit hard on myself, but I always want to improve!

Lord Prankster: nothing wrong with that, just take a step back sometimes and think about how far you’ve already come. you’re damn good.

Pretentious Plum: Indeed, it may always feel impossible to improve, but only when looking back at the past can you see how much progress you truly have made.

Lord Prankster: ahhhh the plum finally shows himself

Pretentious Plum: I was having tea with our newly acquainted professors. Those two are quite similar and don’t talk often.

student athlete: what were they like? I haven’t met them yet and really wanna know

beauty queen: so that you can be better than them

student athlete: no comments from the peanut gallery

Pretentious Plum: Their names are Zach and Jeannie. Jeannie seems like the more openly kind of the two while Zach is the more logically thinking one. They both seem to have a sense of humor, though Zach is more blunt and crass and Jeannie is more teasing and witty. They seem to have difficulty emoting as we do, so I could only gather this much based on their words.

student athlete: they sound like awful people

modern nolde: called it

beauty queen: leonie I lost 10 bucks thanks to you

student athlete: you guys weren’t running bets on what I’d say were you?

M E A T only: what makes you say that?

student athlete: raph I heard hilda sighing the deepest sigh ever

student athlete: second only to when she was forced to do an intramural sport by yours truly

student athlete: also hilda said money was involved

Lord Prankster: is I can bring it back, I’ve been waiting for you, Lorenz

Pretentious Plum: For what purpose do you need me? 

Lord Prankster: you see, I heard this virus going through the business school and figured you should go get yourself checked. supposedly its deadly

Pretentious Plum: That’s quite a tale. I’ve heard nothing of this virus, but I should certainly proceed with caution. What is it called?

Lord Prankster: Ligma.

Pretentious Plum: I’ve never heard of ligma before. What symptoms are there?

Lord Prankster: Ligma balls, where you suck on deez nuts

modern nolde: IT WORKED TWICE?!

beauty queen: some1 call an ambulance

Pretentious Plum: I'll be right back.

M E A T only: don't worry, Lorenz, I already checked, there’s no meatballs in the cafeteria

student athlete: if anyone tells Raph or Mary what is actually happening they will answer to my fist.

Sweet Blues: i believe i’d rather not know, personally…

student athlete: good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout outs to the first website I linked with Claude's message that actually existed and I had to change it.
> 
> Next chapter will be based on something I saw on twitter and I'll link the tweet when I post said chapter.


	4. Monopoly and Pizza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://twitter.com/dendenhuang_/status/1164894155979423744

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School has me distracted from writing, sorry everyone! I was able to finish this chapter tonight and decided to just post it. Next chapter may or may not happen before Thanksgiving, but if it doesn't, then know that I'll definitely try to work on something for that time as well! Hope you enjoy!

White Lavender: i hate you all

** _student athlete changed their name to Monopoly Queen_ **

Sweet Blues: I was afraid this would happen…

Pretentious Plum: Of all people who would win, how is Leonie, the one who becomes intoxicated every Sunday night, the winner of our game of Monopoly?

beauty queen: im just happy i wasn’t playing

beauty queen: watching you all torture yourselves was beautiful

Monopoly Queen: I’d just like to thank Claude for making it rain on me after my victory

Lord Prankster: my pleasure as bank keeper

modern nolde: okay but could I please have my glasses back

M E A T only: at least I got free food the whole time

modern nolde: where tf did Claude even get those meatballs

Lord Prankster: I have connections

beauty queen: you talked to Dedue didn’t you

Lord Prankster: like he would help me

White Lavender: Dedue’s a nice person, so yes, yes he would

Lord Prankster: oh he is, but my point was I’m not Dimitri

modern nolde: he has a point

M E A T only: seriously though, thanks Claude!

M E A T only: those meatballs were amazing! whoever you asked to make em for me, could you do it again?

Monopoly Queen: I’m not sure that’s right

Monopoly Queen: I mean, they’d be stuck making raph meatballs for the rest of their life

M E A T only: hey, I only eat meatballs twice a week!

White Lavender: “only”

M E A T only: yeah, only twice!

Pretentious Plum: Moving on to a worthwhile subject, Monopoly’s “rent” makes absolutely no sense. 

Pretentious Plum: As we are in college, it is imperative that we get properly educated on how to pay rent. I agreed to this game because I believed it would offer me valuable life experience that I may need one day.

modern nolde: who wants to tell him

Monopoly Queen: you do know it’s only a game right?

Monopoly Queen: it’s not meant to be taken seriously or teach you about how to pay rent

Pretentious Plum: Then what, pray tell, is the point in playing Monopoly?

beauty queen: having fun

Monopoly Queen: the same reason I go drinking every Sunday

Pretentious Plum: Preposterous! That simply isn’t productive in any way!

Sweet Blues: you don’t have to be productive all the time, Lorenz…

Sweet Blues: overworking yourself will only hurt you. sometimes you need to take a break.

modern nolde: I was gonna say something sarcastic but I feel like that was better

Pretentious Plum: Fine, but next time we play a game, I expect it to be productive in some way.

Lord Prankster: literally anything with me, raph, and leonie combined will never be serious unless there’s a bad situation, and even then, I’ll still be cracking jokes

White Lavender: claude, kindly fuck off

Lord Prankster: make me

beauty queen: stop and let me get popcorn

modern nolde: also can I please have my glasses back

M E A T only: I’m hungry, anyone wanna order pizza?

Monopoly Queen: I literally just laid down I’m not getting back up

beauty queen: party at leonie’s dorm in an hour?

Sweet Blues: I am fine with that

modern nolde: sounds good

Lord Prankster: if it means I get to keep procrastinating on work, absolutely

Pretentious Plum: I’ve finished all my work and I am quite hungry, so I suppose I shall grace you all with my presence.

White Lavender: ditto

Monopoly Queen: guys I didn’t agree to this

Lord Prankster: it’s only right that the queen of monopoly should treat her people after her success

Pretentious Plum: Yes, that would be the noble thing to do.

White Lavender: they have a point

modern nolde: he’s_right_you_know.jpeg

Monopoly Queen: i really disagree with that statement

beauty queen: no_no_he’s_got_a_point.gif

Monopoly Queen: you guys suck

Lord Prankster: 7-1 majority rules!

Monopoly Queen: this is a monarchy since I’m the queen

beauty queen: so am I, majority rules!

Monopoly Queen: heck

M E A T only: hell yeah! i’ll order the pizza, what’s everyone want?

modern nolde: pineapple pepperoni

beauty queen: i changed my mind I’m not having pizza with pineapple scum

modern nolde: pineapple is good on pizza!

Monopoly Queen: I don’t like it personally but I don’t see why it’s bad

beauty queen: pineapple is the worst fruit, @ me

Lord Prankster: hilda what did spongebob live in

beauty queen: spongebob was a dumb show

M E A T only: them’s fightin’ words, hilda

Sweet Blues: can we please get back to the pizza order…

Sweet Blues: I would like black olives, please.

Pretentious Plum: If anyone tells Marianne that her taste in toppings is bad, I will personally beat them up.

Lord Prankster: what’s the thin plum gonna do? sue us with his family’s best lawyers?

Pretentious Plum: I will personally hire Dedue to beat them up

White Lavender: he won’t listen to you

Pretentious Plum: I will hire Dimitri to ask Dedue to beat them up.

modern nolde: alright now that Lorenz is done threatening us in what may be the scariest way possible

modern nolde: we’ve got pineapple and pepperoni for me, black olives for Marianne

Pretentious Plum: I will have mushrooms and Italian sausage.

Lord Prankster: just pepperoni for me

White Lavender: black olives and mushrooms

beauty queen: I’ll go with Marianne’s order, plus pepperoni

Monopoly Queen: well, I guess I’ll have the normal stuff. I assume you were doing that, too, raph?

M E A T only: of course! 

M E A T only: half meat special on one pizza, with italian sausage and mushrooms on a fourth of it and mushrooms and black olives on the other fourth

M E A T only: the other pizza has one fourth getting black olives, a fourth of it with pepperoni, another fourth with black olives and pepperoni, and the final fourth having pepperoni and pineapple

M E A T only: is that right?

modern nolde: is this the day raph awakens his waiter powers?

Lord Prankster: it might be. it’s all good, raph.

Monopoly Queen: alright while he’s ordering, I’m going to sleep. wake me up when the party gets here

Lord Prankster: now that she’s almost definitely asleep, who wants to go kick her door down with me?

M E A T only: i would but i have to wait for the pizza

beauty queen: claude gimme 3 minutes and i’ll meet you there

Monopoly Queen: alright who are the fuckheads who wanted to mess with me while I take a nap.

Lord Prankster: ABORT MISSION HILDA I REPEAT ABORT MISSION

Lord Prankster: HILDA PLEASE RESPOND

Lord Prankster: OH GOD SHE HAS AIRPODS IN OH GOD OH FUCK

Monopoly Queen: You guys are lucky we didn’t order full pizzas or I’d be throwing yours out the window when they got here.

White Lavender: we can simply throw their slices out the window

Monopoly Queen: ...a valid point. Let’s do it.

Pretentious Plum: And on that day, Claude and Hilda were never seen from again.

modern nolde: I guess everything is right in the world???? 

Sweet Blues: may Claude and Hilda rest in pepperoni pizza.


	5. Finals Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finals are approaching fast, and the group talks about things they have to do until they notice the absence of two of their friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK!!!!!
> 
> Yeah I had no motivation to write this after midterms in the fall semester, and that lack of motivation carried me until finals now. With everything going on, I wanted to provide some happiness in a time of unrest.
> 
> I'll say more about the current events in the endnote, but for now, here's the next chapter of this chatfic.

beauty queen: fuck finals

M E A T only: I second that

Pretentious Plum: Did you both fail to study for your finals, even during our group study session?

Lord Prankster: Hilda? do work? since when?

beauty queen: labor? never heard of her

Monopoly Queen: Finals hardly requires labor most of the time, you just have to use your brain.

White Lavender: you say that like half the people here work half as hard as you, or a quarter as hard as I do

Monopoly Queen: I like to think Natz, Lorenz, Claude, and Marianne are all hard workers for school work.

White Lavender: remove Claude from that list and I’ll agree

Lord Prankster: I’m hurt you think so little of me, Ly

White Lavender: as if!

M E A T only: I just don’t get most of this stuff

M E A T only: culinary stuff is one thing, I ace those classes

M E A T only: but all these gen ed class I gotta take make no sense to me

beauty queen: expecting me 2 work on things idc abt is like talking to a brick wall

beauty queen: srsly why would you trust me to work

Pretentious Plum: When you two explain yourselves like that, I believe I understand. I do not condone your actions, but they make an amount of sense at least.

Monopoly Queen: wait I have an idea

** _Monopoly Queen changed M E A T only’s name to Chef Nope_ **

Chef Nope: that’s how I feel about finals

Lord Prankster: oh btw anyone wanna study tonight? I still gotta go over some stuff

Monopoly Queen: none of us can help you w/ chem

Lord Prankster: we’re all in different departments other than Natz and Hilda, doesn’t mean we can’t just put music on and study

Pretentious Plum: Loathe as I am to admit, Claude has a point. Atmosphere is important to creating a healthy and fulfilling study session. If you are uncomfortable, you are unlikely to get work done.

White Lavender: yea I can study tonight, I should quadruple check all my notes to make sure I have everything

beauty queen: ly i have no idea how you function

White Lavender: proper sleep and planning/scheduling

beauty queen: oh so nothing i care about

Monopoly Queen: sometimes I wonder how you two are both apart of the same friend group

beauty queen: the same reason raph and lorenz are in the same friend group

Lord Prankster: I don’t know what that reason is but it’s very powerful

Pretentious Plum: Indeed it is, my friend.

Pretentious Plum: That aside, are you coming to this study session, Hilda, Raphael, and Leonie?

Chef Nope: yeah sure I’ll make food for y’all

Monopoly Queen: I’ll be late thanks to my practice tonight but I’ll be there as soon as I can

beauty queen: i should proly ask natz if he can take a look at the outfit i made for my final project, so i’ll be there

Pretentious Plum: Speaking of Ignatz and Marianne, where are they? I would have expected them to appear considering the constant messages.

Chef Nope: oh I’m not supposed to say

beauty queen: meaning you know? spill it

Chef Nope: I’ve made mistakes

Lord Prankster: actually I can answer that one

Lord Prankster: I saw Natz trying to sneak a canvas up to Marianne’s room

Lord Prankster: it had a cloth over it, so my guess would be it’s his final project

beauty queen: oh? is our resident green head making moves?

Chef Nope: nah he’s just showing her his painting to her early

Monopoly Queen: wow, never expected Natz to actually do something like that

Chef Nope: show his painting early? I’ve seen it since the beginning tho

White Lavender: dunce, why do you think you’ve gotten that privilege?

Chef Nope: because I’m his best bro!

White Lavender: and none of us have gotten an offer to see it early

Chef Nope: I don’t get it?

White Lavender: ignatz is showing marianne his painting early. the only other person who’s gotten to see it early is you. what does that mean.

Chef Nope: …

Chef Nope: no way

Chef Nope: I’m being replaced as his best bro?!

Chef Nope: I never knew Marianne was such a bro!

Monopoly Queen: Raph I swear to god

Chef Nope: now all those times I’ll hear him talk about Marianne make sense

Chef Nope: I have to work harder to become a better bro than Marianne!

Lord Prankster: Raph, buddy, calm down.

Lord Prankster: I’m pretty sure they’re implying Ignatz has a crush on Marianne

Chef Nope: oh

Pretentious Plum: I sometimes catch Ignatz and Marianne staring at one another when the other isn’t paying attention, so I would not be surprised. 

Monopoly Queen: it’s not really our business, we probably shouldn’t be bothering them about it

beauty queen: sry I needed to text mary to ask for the dets, what were we talking about

White Lavender: literally saying we should do the exact opposite of what you just did

beauty queen: whoops too late ;)

Pretentious Plum: I believe this may well blow up in your face, Hilda. None of us will back you up if they get upset.

beauty queen: that’s fine idrc my bby girl has a love life and i gotta know the dets

Chef Nope: I’m kinda curious about it too, send me screenshots!

Monopoly Queen: both of them can see this chat when they look at their phone

Chef Nope: oh yeah I forgot about that

Lord Prankster: if we flood the chat then they’d have to scroll up a whole lot to see those messages

White Lavender: I would argue that doing that is childish

Lord Prankster: you’re talking to me

White Lavender: point taken

Lord Prankster: seriously though, I’m really interested in seeing Natz’s piece this weekend. it’ll be a good break from finals.

Pretentious Plum: I agree. The fine arts are always a sight I look forward to, and seeing as my friend will have a piece on display, I greatly anticipate the coming days.

Chef Nope: actually, now that I think about it, he’d been using blue in his painting

Chef Nope: I didn’t pay much attention to it until earlier today when I saw it looked like a horse with a blue mane

beauty queen: oh natz totally has a crush on mary!

Monopoly Queen: didn’t Mary have a horse named Dorte growing up?

Pretentious Plum: It would seem the piece is to pay homage to Marianne’s favorite animal growing up. How did he get a reference for the horse?

beauty queen: mary has a photo album of pics of her as a kid, me and natz looked through it with her once

beauty queen: it def had some of dorte

Lord Prankster: speaking of which, you’re the closest one to marianne, hilda

beauty queen: you know it!

Lord Prankster: has she shown anyone else that album?

beauty queen: y’know, i don’t think she has

beauty queen: she mentioned she keeps it for comfort in hard times

Monopoly Queen: well I think that seals the deal

Chef Nope: seals what deal?

Monopoly Queen: they like each other

modern nolde: who likes each other?

modern nolde: hello? why did everyone stop talking

modern nolde: fine I’ll scroll up

modern nolde: RAPH WHY

Sweet Blues: What happened?

modern nolde: MARY DON’T SCROLL UP I BEG YOU

Sweet Blues: Um...okay.

modern nolde: Raph we are having a serious talk when I get back to the room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is staying safe, and to those affected, I hope I can provide a little bit of happiness for you. It's not much, and I wish I could do more, but I'll be going out and protesting this weekend. #BlackLivesMatter. I've been watching streams that give ad revenue to charity for the cause. Unfortunately, it's all I can do at the moment, but if I manage to get a job while all this is still going on, I'll definitely give what I can.


End file.
